Holiday Commentary

Aaron and I went to Meijer and Target yesturday in and amongst our errand running to get some little projects done before the baby comes. Anyway, I was shocked to see isles upon isles of Halloween paraphenalia and get this - Christmas stuff too!! Halloween used to mean just buying a pumkin, some candy, and making a fun costume with whatever we had around the house. In fact half of the fun was the creativity of making/finding a costume. When we went trick or treating we would often use pillowcases to collect the goods or I remember we also had these plastic pumkins my Mom had bought. Now I see lights and skulls and talking corpses and all kinds of crazy stuff, some of it not cheap at all!! Do people really buy all this crap? Is halloween going to turn into this massive consumer event as well? Aren't corn stalks enough anymore? And how do they get off putting out Christmas stuff in September? Who is thinking about Christmas already? Whatever happened to the sacred change in department stores that happened the day after Thanksgiving, when like majic, overnight all displays turn from turkeys to santas? Call me stubborn but I will not be buying Christmas cards until I at least see some snow and Aaron and I will continue to stick to our policy of trying to make as many of our Christmas presents as we buy. We aren't tight fisted - trust me when I say we spend a lot on making presents but it's just that we think that Christmas should be something more. Maybe I am getting old and nostalgic but I think that all this pressure to buy buy buy just isn't what it should be all about.

I love my country - don't get me wrong. But our consumer attitude I think sets us up for unhappiness. If we are told everyday that happiness is found externally - with a new car, a bigger house, or another new technological gadget (don't remind me of the new camera at this point) how can anyone ever be content? There is always something bigger and better out there. That and the sense of entitlement that comes with it. That somehow I deserve to have cheap gas or new clothes every season. So much so that we rationalize killing people and other heinous acts all in the name of cheap gasoline. I say let the prices rise to what other people pay in the rest of the world. Oil is a rare (and getting rarer) commodity. We should pay it's market value and then maybe people would stop buying Hummers. And yes we own a Jeep Cheerokee that gets maybe 17 mpg but I also only drive it when I have to and we only own one car. Aaron and I usually take the bus to school and work. Besides I bought it from a friend because it was a good car that I knew would last. It currently has over 166,000 miles on it without a tick. My brother's Jeep has almost 250,000 miles on it without major problems. And our car is paid off and we are not enthusiastic about gaining a car payment again.

So I am hardly exempt from the consumerism. I like to shop, I own a big car, but I don't bitch when gas prices go up, I cheer! Because I know that I drive less when gas is expensive, demand for economical cars goes up, less pollution happens because people are driving less and driving more economical cars. Whats the problem with that?

This is just one of my rants. Call me a sentimental, idealistic, bleeding heart liberal. I'm proud to be one. Hike gas prices! Feed the hungry! And so one... but at the same time, I am hardly going to leave all my worldly goods to live a monastic life in a cave somewhere. Heck, I want to be an engineer for many reasons, one of which is because it makes good money and we'll be able to send our kids to college some day so they can make good money.

How do I sleep at night :) Just as long as there aren't Christmas lights in September to keep me awake - I do ok.

The Waiting Game

This is me at 8 months prego and Aaron trying to imagine what it must feel like or maybe he's just mocking me :) The little peanut isn't so little anymore. I'm not so sure I'm going to have that average size baby of seven pounds that I was thinking earlier. I would guess that he is going to be at least 8. As of yesturday we are considered full term! So we have the bag packed for the hospital and today Aaron and I need to figure out how to put the baby seat in the car. This may require all of my engineering skills :) It is almost like the Pea knew that yesturday was a milestone. I had mild contractions all day - on and off. Ever time I would sit down for any length of time and then stand up my belly would clench. I went to see the doc for my check up yesturday and she was excited about this. But don't everyone come rushing down - these were just Braxton Hicks contractions - mild and irregular. It would be nice to have the baby next week though 'cause I have 3 big assignments due and I can't think of a better way to get out of that!

Everyone seems surprised that I plan on attending school right up to the birth and then returning as soon as possibly. Just to clarify this - it's not like I am trying to be a martyr here but I don't see that I have any choice. It's not like the University provides maternity leave to students. And if I don't attend classes I don't receive financial aid - without financial aid I would have to get some crappy job that wouldn't provide maternity leave either. And then there is the idea that if I don't get these classes out of the way, next year I would start my sixth year of undergrad. Yikes!! That doesn't sound appealing! Anyway the sooner I get done with my undergrad the sooner I get funded and then insurance is free and I have an income. I think that goes along way towards taking care of myself and the little Pea. Sorry I guess I needed to get that off my chest. I just have so many people that are like "why are you even taking classes this term?" or "when are you going to stop coming to school" or "your not finishing the semester, are you?". I think when you are in your mid twenties, live with your parents in the summer and they pay for most of your school, you don't quite get the concept of doing what you have to to survive. I really don't mind it. Ok, it would be nice to sit on my ass and eat bonbons all day but I wasn't raised that way. Most school days I am exhausted by the end of the day, but it is helping me sleep and keeping my mind off of things. What else would I do? I'm sure that all the farm women and peasant women in long ago didn't have maternity leave either.

I stubbed my little pinky toe last weekend and broke it (or at least I am pretty sure I did). That was entertaining. For one day I stayed in bed with my toe on ice and the next day I couldn't put shoes on so I wore my slippers around all day. One week later I can wear shoes but my toe is black and blue and swollen still. It's not like I even have a good story that involves race cars or alligator wrestling. I just stubbed my poor toe on the door jamb.

I have been at the doctor more times in the last three weeks than anybody deserves! I go to the ob/gyn weekly now and one week we had an appointment with the pediatrician's nurse practicioner (Nurse Ratched!!) as well as me having to get a lump checked out in my breast. The lump I found they decided was nothing but they found something else in the process. So the last couple of weeks I have been also going to see various specialists about this. I am lucky to live in Ann Arbor with all the expert medical services we have here but sometimes I think this means twice as many doctor appointments as you get shuffled from one clinic to the next to find the doctor that specializes in just your predicament. So this Friday I go and have what is called a "Fine Needle Aspiration with Ultrasound" done. Essentially they are going to take a small sample of the tissue and biopsy it. The doctor that was finally assigned to me (a specialist ob/gyn and breast oncology man) doesn't think that this is anything to worry about but since we have breast cancer rampant in my mothers side of the family, he wants it checked out. He just thinks it is my breasts getting ready to do their thing and maybe we have some extra tissue or a blocked duct or something.

There were a couple of days when they first found the lump that I was essentially freakin' out. After all - how melodramic can it be to be pregnant and have breast cancer! This really appealed to my sense of drama. Then I decided I didn't have the time or energy to worry about this right now and all the fussing isn't going to make a bit of difference. It'll be what it'll be. See that good German stoicism comes in handy some times! :) Ok well didn't mean to worry all of you folks either but since this is my online journal, I have to be honest. I write for myself mostly these days so it's like the risk you took when you read your sister's diary. You may not always like what you find. :)

Today looks like another beautiful fall day and Aaron and I both have the day off. I have been on the computer since 7am and it's now almost 9. So I think it's time to put on the coffee for Aaron and jump in the shower. Have a good day!

Last Minute Prep

This is Aaron's "I'm so geeked I'm gonna be a Dad" look. Cute isn't it? We both feel this way much of the time. We are making some of the last preparations for bringing the Peanut home with us. One of the things we splurged on was a new camera. We had a pretty ok one that was great when we first got it but that's probably been 5 years ago and we all know how technology changes. Suddenly 2 Mega Pixels and no zoom wasn't enough! Blame this one on me. So we splurged a little and we'll make another step in the attempt to bring my parents into the digital age and give them the old one.

We are also stunned to find out that on Thursday we will be full term (37 weeks) and should be ready to go to the hospital anytime. So this week we pack a bag for the three of us and install the baby seat in the back seat. Wow. Although I think that we are as ready as we ever will be. It's not like Aaron and I are 20 years old and our lives are going to go through this big change. I'm sure there will be some changes but many of our friends already have children and we already think that a big night includes a homemade dinner and rented movie. And on really big nights this is done at a friends house or they come join us.

School is a bit overwhelming at this point. I thought that only taking two classes was going to be a breeze but it isn't turning out that way. It's hard. And there is some pressure to start thinking about an intership for next summer, fellowship applications for grad school, and other stuff. I am supposed to be retaking my GRE because the first time around I bombed the math section. Which I am confident was a case of a bad day and not studying and thankfully my professors feel the same way. I don't need this to attend grad school at UM as they know me and aren't worried about test scores but I do need this to apply for fellowships. I went and talked to my Professor and he reasured me that if I don't get the test taken it would be ok. The University would provide me with a fellowship - it's just that having outside funding makes it a lot easier. And of course a NSF fellowship is quite prestigious.

It sure would be nice if my life could pause while I have a baby. It just doesn't seem to be happening that way. I guess this is a good reason to get your higher education while still young and then have a family after completing school. But then again when have I ever done anything the easy way!!

Layale & Brian

First I have to tell you that Tear and Cleo went to the vet on Friday and we were dismayed to find out that Tear has gained 2 pounds. She now tips the scale at 18# 6oz! This is bad... she has gained another 10% + in body weight from the last visit. The vet warned us that if she gets much bigger we will be faced with the possibility of a diabetic cat. She then threatened that it was either control her food intake or give her insulin shots twice a day. But what do you do? If we feed them with separate dishes Tear will eat hers and then eat Cleo's food. And she cries incessantly if she doesn't have food in her dish at all times. I don't know... damn cats.

Aaron and I met with our doula for the first time on Friday. Her name is Rachel and she seems to be very nice. We went over our 'birth plan' which is were we state all of our wishes for our labor and delivery understanding that things don't always go as planned. It sure is a different world than the one I was birthed into. There are so many decisions: meds or no, vaccinations or not, positions, when to cut the cord, to save the cord blood or not, circumcision, etc, etc... I feel I have to have a minor in medicine to make decisions for our child. This vaccination thing is currently on my mind. First there is this issue of mercury in the vaccinations which causes autism. Now it is supposed to be phased out of the vaccines but the law didn't require that all the stock containing mercury be thrown out so it is still out there. Then there are studies that most of childhood brain development occurs in the first two years and all the vaccines we give (sometimes 8 at a time!) are too much for the immune system and this also can cause harm to brain development, maybe... studies are still being conducted. Then again, well... vaccines do a lot of good and what if my child gets some crazy old time disease like polio. I couldn't live with the guilt. I'm currently leaning towards not vaccinating until after two years but these are hard decisions to make. And I thought all I had to decide was cloth or disposable diapers!

Last night Aaron and I went over to Layale and Brian's for dinner. They are going to be the peanut's god parents of a sort. One of the decisions we made was that we weren't going to baptize our child at birth. We want to raise him in a spiritual practice but not necessarily a religious one. Then he can make his own decisions as he gets older. But we still want Layale and Brian to hold a special place in the Peanut's life. So we were thinking Fairy Godparents!! I really like this idea since Fairy Godparents make wishes come true and that's what Brian and Layale have done for us and the Peanut. A little backstory here for those who aren't in the know. Peanut was conceived through the miracle of modern science and friendship. Aaron and I had been trying to conceive with the help of the UM Reproductive Endocrinology Clinic for about a year with no luck. That year was one of the hardest years to date. The doctor's next recommendation was to try in vitro - a very expense process. None of this is covered by insurance mind you. We just didn't have the money to try in vitro but nothing else was working. So we were trying hard to come to grips with the fact that whether or not we were going to have a child was based on our income. It just didn't seem fair and adoption was even more expensive! This is heart wrenching stuff and I had been talking to my friends to help me get through it. Well one day Layale came up to me and told me that her and Brian had been talking it over and they had recently received a fair inheritance some of which they wanted to invest in something that "would make the world a better place" and they felt that Aaron and I having a baby would do that. She handed me a check for the cost of the in vitro and told me to consider it a long term loan. To be honest we didn't know if we could except such generosity but this is exactly what we had been praying for - so how can you turn down a gift from god? The rest is a short story. The in vitro worked the first time (doesn't happen that way often!) and the Peanut started his life.

Ok so now I have outed Brian and Layale for the kind and loving people that they are. Now you know why they are Peanut's Fairy Godparents. Great story isn't it, and even better because it is all true. And bonus! they have three wonderful daughters - all of babysitting age!!

Isn't life wonderful!

Chilly Fall Day

Fall is my favorite time of year and it's only going to get better. It's a quiet chilly fall morning - one of the first of the year. It's Sunday and Aaron has the day off. Yesturday at the market I picked up some Mac's and Bartlett Pears and I think it is a perfect day for some baking. Ahhh... the first apple pie of the season. Mmmm... I love fall for the smell of the air, the color of the trees, the harvest, and because of halloween and my birthday. And soon it will mean so much more with the birth of little pea. This is the first day in a while where Aaron and I don't have any plans, no errands to run, no packing or unpacking to do. Just looking forward to a long day of doing nothing together. I'm going to relish it because I believe everyone when they say these days will be gone soon, not to come back till the kids are all off to college (I hope!).

I feel at peace today after spending the last two days panicing about this idea of being a mother. It's an awfully big commitment and one that there is no getting out of. I rationalized getting married because I figured if I screwed it up too badly I could always opt out of the commitment but this one is REALLY forever. Since my marriage to Aaron just gets better everyday I guess I didn't make a mistake there so I have hope that I won't screw up motherhood too badly. I've talked to a few real life professional mommas and they have been great about telling me the hardest thing about motherhood is letting go. That I am not in charge of how my child turns out - I can only provide an example and teach them what I know. The rest is the individual journey we all must make - mistakes and all. After all I didn't exactly take the recommended path to adulthood but in the end I think I turned out ok. Aaron and I will do the best we can just as millions of parents before us and let god sort out the rest.

Ok too much philosophy. One of the gifts Aaron and I have to give is our ability to bake so Apple pie here I come!! Yum.

Little Bitch Session

First let me say that I love being pregnant. It is such a joy to see my belly growing bigger and to feel the little peanut growing inside of me. That said - this is getting a little hard. I have carpal tunnel in both my wrists and hands with my right hand being the worst. My belly is getting so big that movement is difficult and finding a comfortable position is next to impossible. Sleep is a challange with my hips getting achy and my hands going numb which requires frequent changes of position but changing from lying on one side to lying on the other is like trying to turn the Queen Mary around in a bathtub. And the pillows I have between my knees and under my belly and head all need to get turned as well. I try to organize the turning with the 3-4 trips I make to the bathroom a night but that doesn't always work. I have enough energy to actively participate in life for a half of a day at a time before I begin to respond like a zombie and then crash like I have been up for days. I try to limit my nap to an hour and a half so I have some hope of deeper sleep at night but I think maybe I should give this up. But nothing is as pleasantly reasuring as my mom in law and mom telling me that it is only going to get worse. Six more weeks. Six more weeks that will last for an eternity and a mear instant simultainiously.

Ok so that is my bitch. Again let me remind you how incredible it all is at the same time. I am so grateful for the life that I have today and the promise of new life within me. Aaron and I are terrified and so excited to meet the little pea and welcome him to his new world. I hope he finds it as full of wonder as I do.

How to Comment - Without Creating Your Own Blog

Hi! I probably should have written this eons ago - but what can I say? I think most have figured this out but if not - here goes. If you would like to leave a comment but don't want to create your own blog, you click once on the comment link at the bottom of the entry you would like to comment on. You then write a comment in the box provided and when finished, click on the button next to 'Other' under the comment you wrote. You can then type your name where it is indicated. That's it!! Pretty easy and no need to be anonymous. This makes it more fun to know who wrote a comment, but of course you are welcome to stay 'anonymous' as well. There is some risk that I will delete your comment as I occasionally get comments that are solicitations or just completely inappropriate. Thanks for stopping by!

I had a 33 week check up with the doc and me and the peanut are still doing great. My womb measured 34 cm and his heartbeat was in the 140's. Exactly where they are supposed to be. I think that the little pea might come out pretty close to average in size since all his measurements from day one have been completely average. I'm beginning to struggle with sleep. Rolling over is this big impossible ordeal and yet if I stay in one position too long my hips ache and my hands go numb. I have pregnancy carpal tunnel which they promise me will disappear after delivery. It has made school a challenge as my right hand is the worst. Writing can be tricky with numb fingers and sore wrists. I also struggle with a certain apathy towards school which I have never had before. I think it stems from being tired all the time. I hope it goes away as well, although this last year might just involve showing up and suiting up whether I want to or not as I don't anticipate my sleep hours improving any time soon. :) It all is so worth it though and it really seems as though I have little to complain about since my life is so incredibly awesome!!

Go Tigers!

Ok. I'm back. We had a minor emergency last night but all has worked out just fine. This is a picture of my delightful nephew Jeffrey on his tenth birthday. We went to see the Tigers play against the Anaheim Angels Sunday night. My brother, Alan, and his two boys, Jeff and Brett, came down and both Aaron and I went to the game with them. It was Aaron's first Tigers game since the World Series winning year of 1984. Unfortunately the Tigers lost 2-1 but it was a good game with lots of excitement. None of these pitchers matches with no hits! Blah! I've developed a paranoid complex that it is my fault the Tigers lost. I have never gone to see a sporting event where the home team has won. I'm a jinx it seems. So Aaron and I are going to see the last game of the season against Kansas City so we may lose that one too...

We went to the game nice and early so the boys could cash in on a free backpack give away and so we got to watch batting practice. We had a fun time trying to get autographs for the boys but with no luck. Oh well we don't need no stinking autograph if only the Tigers would win the series this year! No, I'm not a particularly huge baseball fan or any sport fan but you can't help but route for the home team when they have been such underdogs for so many years.

Peanut's Room

This is the little Pea's room. My mom donated a crib, my mom in law brought it down, lots of great shower gifts and a trip (or two) to Ikea gave us a great space to welcome the peanut to. Aaron and I had lots of fun nesting and setting everything up. Now it just needs an occupant! I'm so excited as the weeks pass. This Thursday means we have only six weeks to go. I started school today and that I know will make the time just fly by. My advisor, Prof Parra, had a little boy last Wednesday who is just adorable and Aaron's cousin, Shane, and his wife, Christine, welcomed a little girl into the world yesturday. I get all especially giddy when I hear about new babies these days. It's funny, I don't really remember sharing in the excitment when my nieces and nephews were born. I just didn't 'get it' at the time. Now that we are having my own I realize what a miracle a baby is.

Only one person at school today mentioned my obvious pregnancy. Do they think I just put on a serious beer belly over summer??!! Maybe I should read the previous paragraph where I didn't really get it at that age either... Hmmm... Still I thought it was funny, maybe if I was wearing something less baggy than my overalls. Oh well. They'll figure it out with the sudden weight loss in just a few weeks - or not. It doesn't really matter to me.

Well I just got a phone call and I'm off to help a friend - so maybe I'll finish this later. If not there is more to come.

Busy Week

Hi all! I know it has been awhile since you've seen a posting from me. I had a very busy week last week. I got my paper written or at least a rough draft turned in to the program and both my Japan and US advisors. That was a big weight off of my shoulders. That was on Thurs, on Friday I went to Grand Rapids where I had a shower on Saturday with friends and one on Sunday with family. Both were loads of fun and I had a chance to see a lot of people I haven't seen in awhile. Even my sister in law flew in from Florida which was quite a treat. And oh! did I mention the presents. Peanut is hooked up! WOW!

Wednesday during Lamaze class I felt my first contraction. No worries, before the actual event women have what's called Braxton Hicks contractions. They are essentially just practice for your body. It was wild. It brought it home that the little pea has only 7 weeks +/- 1 to hang out in his cozy little home. I know he's getting a little cramped in there - about once a day he trys to stretch out and wiggle his little butt right under my ribs. Not comfy. I can see me making the statment in a few weeks that it is time for this baby to be out of my belly! Little wiggler.

Aaron and I took this great class together on making pastry at Bake! (a Zingerman's bakehouse adventure). Essentially the bakehouse opened up a teaching kitchen next to the bakehouse where they will be teaching baking classes. Because Aaron is a Zcob employee we had the opportunity to take one of the test classes for free and he signed us up for pastries. Lots of fun!! We made our own croissant and danish doughs and also formed and baked a dough they had prepared for us. So Aaron and I brought home six boxes of pastries and 2 batches of croissant dough and 2 batches of danish doughs. We also won the fixings for another batch of each. If you come visit expect to be fed pastries. It was a bit of a long day for me, but a great way to spend time with each other.

Well that's it for now. I should have more as this weekend is Labor Day and amongst other activities my brother and nephews are coming down for a Tigers game! Go Tigers!