Sometimes I feel so unfit to be Ian's mom. Today I was trying to hang pictures and Ian had been all over the place all day doing things he knows he shouldn't be doing - purposefully. Specifically he was standing in the chair next to me as I was hanging photos. He knows he is not supposed to stand in chairs. Like I said - it had been a whole day of refusing to hold my hand to cross the street, taking off his pants (and diaper) in the store, putting his feet on the table at lunch... I could go on. So when he kept standing in the chair, I picked him up, set him on the ground and gave his bottom a swat. Hard enough to make him cry. This is not how I want to raise my kids. I know what his problem was - after I did it. He was just trying to get my attention. This was probably the case all day. I wish I was better at stopping the drive to get things done and could learn to play. I wish I hadn't made my son cry. I wish I didn't feel so not up to this whole mothering thing. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten married, hadn't had Ian. Just because life would be so much easier if I was only screwing up my own life or at least only responsible for my own. Then I feel so damn guilty for thinking this. I love Aaron, I love Ian. I wish I knew what the hell I was doing. How do you learn how to be a mother?
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Mother's Day Doubts
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2 comments:
trust your instincts - you know the right things to do and you do them - there are times and will continue to be times when he needs to cry and feel bad so that he will learn an important lesson - like getting hurt falling out of a chair, like not running in the street . . .
you are entering a new stage of parenting . . . the "terrible twos" . . . he is moving into the "i can do it myself" stage and will drive you crazy with all the stuff he tries, he may get a little defiant and your cuddly snuggly little guy may try to push you away . . . it's all part of growing . . . you job is to love him anyway - give him space to learn when you should and teach him lessons when you need to . . . this stage will end - eventually :)
just for the record ... most peoples children have pulled their diapers off in public places ... another clue that you may be reaching the end of the diaper business
anyway, trust your instincts - you guys are doing an awesome job! your doubts are no different than any other mother has felt many times in their lives
on another note - enjoy today and have a great start to a new job tomorrow - i'm sure it is both scary and exciting at the same time - i'll be thinking about you - let me know how it goes
Amen to what Mary said. Every mom goes through those times of doubt and anxiety. I remember those times. We lived across the street from a mom who had a 4yr.old, 2 yr. old twins and a one year old and not alot of support from her husband. So on those depressing days I just figured I could be in worse shape. You are a WONDERFUL MOTHER !!! Happy Mother,s Day!!!! Lots of love, Mom
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